


You've Been Framed

by Dumb_thotticus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Pranks and Practical Jokes, Social Media, pranks but not The Prank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:35:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22884565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dumb_thotticus/pseuds/Dumb_thotticus
Summary: Sirius Black is a popular wizarding influencer known for his commitment to his leather jacket, outlandish livestreams, and insane pranks on anyone and everyone unfortunate enough to be in his vicinity. That happens to be a lot of people.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Although Wolfstar and Jily are canon in this universe, this fic isn't really about their relationship.
> 
> The title of this fic is taken from the UK TV show of the same name.

“Hellooooo my beautiful Marauders, it’s Sirius and I’m back with another livestream!” Sirius Black held the camera up to his face and winked at the screen. 

‘omg Siri is back!!!’

‘MY BABY IS ONLINE’

‘#maraudersassemble’

‘i wanna be his phone case’

‘Looking that good should be illegal’

‘Can’t wait for you to do another prank >:) ‘

‘back off bitches hes mine’

Sirius looked over to the bunk bed opposite him. Remus was gazing idly at him, no doubt fully aware of what the comments said and knowing damn well who Sirius really belonged to. He gave him a thumbs up before returning to his homework. Sirius flashed his boyfriend the briefest of smiles before returning his attention to the camera. 

“I know, I know, I’m God’s gift to mankind, but let’s get to the important stuff- who’s life should I ruin today?” 

‘SNAPE SCARE CAM’

‘YASSSSSSS’

‘Steal your boyfriend’s chocolate’

‘no rem is a precious angel uwu’

‘#protectremus2k20’

‘take minnies biscuits’

Sirius laughed as the comments piled up, hundreds more people tuning in by the second. After a few more seconds Sirius spoke again. 

“Ok, so I’m not gonna steal McGonagall’s biscuits because I’m not suicidal, but a food prank might be a good idea?” This was met with an outpouring of love from the chat. “Ok, food prank it is. Anyway, I think I’m gonna prank my friends. Probably James.” 

“I’m watching you Padfoot.” A comment popped up on the screen, the profile picture all too familiar. 

Sirius spoke to the camera. “Where were you?” 

James’ response came almost instantly. “I was doing stuff”

“Stuff- that’s a funny name for Lily, don’t you think guys?” 

‘SKSKSKSKSKSK’

‘LMAO I CANT’

‘idk what lily sees in him tbh’

‘Nobody asked you’

‘just saying.’

‘I agree- Lily deserves better.”

‘You can’t decide how they live their life’

‘they are otp idk what anyone says’

Sirius had noticed this unfortunate new development. “So I think I know what I’m going to do, but Jamesey has blessed us with his presence so you’re all gonna have to wait. See you soon, and remember to get up to no good!“ Sirius shook his head, hair flying around his face, and with that, he ended the stream. He looked over at his boyfriend, who was writing furiously. 

“Hey babe, do you need help with-“

“I’m not helping you prank James.”

“…your homework- never mind, I’ll ask Peter.”

“He’s probably with the Hufflepuff girl right now, don’t bother him, he needs to get some.” 

“Wanker. What happened to bros before hoes?”

“You’re the hoe.” It was a typical Remus insult- deeply cutting, but delivered in a clinical, matter-of-fact way like he were a professor saying that you had homework. He hadn’t even looked up from his parchment. 

“Can’t you at least give me an idea?” Sirius whined.

“He’s your bum buddy, you tell me.” 

“Yeah, but now he’s shagging Lils- say, that gives me an idea.”

“That is rarely a good thing,” Remus drawled, but Sirius was already halfway out of the door.

* * *

“Lils, you gotta help me.”

“No way hose.”

“I’m pranking James.”

“Ok, count me in. What are you thinking?”

“It needs to be something he won’t suspect, and also food-related. I was thinking I could make him cookies, and then-“

“Full offence kiddo, but I don’t trust you. And if I don’t, he deffo doesn’t. He’ll see right through it.”

“Why wouldn’t he trust me? I’m his best mate!”

“Six years’ worth of overwhelming evidence based on your past behaviour and lucrative pranking business?” Lily quirked an eyebrow. She had won. 

“Yeah, that would probably be it- see, that’s why I need your help!”

“Look, I might be a prefect, and I love my boyfriend, but I’m not above making him suffer for internet points. You said food-related, right? I’ve got an idea…”

* * *

Half an hour later, the pair were sneaking out of the kitchen, a platter of fresh chocolate chip cookies levitating in front of them. 

“…So I was thinking, we could salt them, or maybe make things a little hotter?”

“Lils I love you, but I’m a daredevil! I need something way crazier than that!”

“Well if you don’t need my help…”

“No I need you so badly I’ll do anything you say.”

“You heard me. Let’s salt the cookies.”

“Sure, but it’ll be kind of a let-down…”

* * *

“You go in, I’ll film.”

Lily stepped into the library where James was studying, ink-stained fingers running through his already messy hair. Sirius was hidden behind a bookcase with his phone poking through a gap. He started the livestream, whispering.

“Ok, so Lily’s gonna give him some salted cookies, we didn’t wanna start with anything too crazy…”

“Since you’ve been studying so hard, I got you some cookies!” Lily trilled. She perched herself on top of the desk, placing the platter in front of him accompanied with a glass of water. 

“Aww, thanks babe!” James made to bite one, but stopped suddenly. “Is this one of Padfoot’s pranks?”

Lily put on a hurt expression. “Am I not allowed to bring my boyfriend some cookies after a long hard day?” She put her hand over her mouth, offended. Great actor, that girl. 

“Anything for my Lilyflower.” James blew Lily a kiss before biting into one. 

‘theyre so cute omg’

‘I feel bad for pranking him now’

‘ew but also goals’ 

James looked up. “Lils, these are kinda…salty.” Lily looked upset and James backtracked fast. “Still really good but salty…” 

“Yeah, they’re chocolate and salted caramel. I sprinkled some salt on the top- is it too much?” The faux innocence was being laid on thick.

‘is that it?’

‘great prank bro’

‘Local woman does something nice for her boyfriend: more news at seven.’

“If you’re thirsty from all the salt, I got some water.”

James grabbed the glass next to him and downed it. At this point, Lily looked over to the bookcase where Sirius was stood, smirking. She held up her fingers, counting down. Three, two, one…  
Suddenly, a jet of fire blasted out of James’ mouth. 

“WHAT THE F-“

Sirius jumped out from behind the bookcase. 

“YOU’VE BEEN MARAUDED! Smile for the camera!”

“That’s what you get for underestimating me!” Lily playfully slapped Sirius as he came over.

“LILS, WERE YOU IN ON THIS? BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD-“ Smoke was pouring out of James’ ears. 

“This is a library, no need to make so much noise-“

“That’s all for today, polls up on my story tomorrow-“

“It’s Pince, run!”

“Peace out, and remember to do no good! Gotta dash!”

The trio ran away, a trail of steam following them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lessons happen. So do pranks.

“BLACK, POTTER, GET BACK TO WORK!”

“But Minnie, I just need to finish this one thing-“

“And I need you to finish your work; Potter’s hair still looks very much like his.”

“It’s like you don’t even _care_ about my internet fame,” Sirius said with a groan. 

“You’re right, I don’t. Get back to work before I turn that phone into a textbook.” 

A notification popped up on his phone: **1 new message from dxrcas_mxdowes:** _get the fuck back to work_. He looked over at the girl who had sent it. Dorcas was staring back innocently. Sirius would have replied, but until McGonagall went over to question Peter about his new yellow moustache, he wasn’t going to be able to. There were few people who could tear Sirius away from his phone: McGonagall was one of them.

“If you put half as much work into your transfiguration as you did into that ridiculous channel of yours, Black, you would be top of the class.”

“Yeah, but, like, I already am.” 

It was at this point James looked up from pretending to pour over his notes. “Excuse me?” he said with mock outrage. “Remind me who got the higher mark in the hedgehog test? It seems to have passed me by… oh wait. It was me. So piss off with your ‘top of the class’ talk.” He said the last sentence with a surprisingly convincing Scottish accent, which might have been cool, but Sirius knew damn well that James had spent hours perfecting it in front of a mirror, which in his opinion removed the coolness factor. Anyway, they both knew that Peter could do better. 

“Keep up that accent and it’s not just your hair I’m gonna make shorter.” Sirius pointed his wand down at James’ crotch. “What is it that Lils ate five of last night, those tiny dessert things? I can think of something else small and chocolate covered I’m sure she’ll love- “

“BLACK!”

“Uh, sorry Prof.” 

“I will not have discussion of such foul topics in this class.”

It was Sirius’ turn to look innocent. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just saying that Lily was very partial to- “

“One more word and it’s detention- “

At this point, Peter’s moustache had become almost impossible to ignore. Already bright yellow, it was now somehow growing at an alarming rate. Marlene was holding her wand limply, somewhat horrified. Dorcas was doubled over, tears of laughter in her eyes. 

“Please tell me someone is filming this!”

“On it!” Sirius pulled out his camera and began to film. 

“Marls, I thought pranking people was Sirius’ job!”

“It wasn’t a prank! It was an honest mistake!” 

“Yeah, and Sirius is straight.” 

“Uh, what?”

“Sorry, I thought we were telling obvious and blatant lies. Carry on.” Sarcasm dripped off Remus’ every syllable. 

“I really didn’t mean to do it” Help me!” Although she still looked panicked, Marline had begun to see the funny side. It was at this point that McGonagall decided to step in and rectify the situation. She pointed the wand in Peter’s general direction, and his moustache disappeared as instantly as it had appeared. It was almost as if it were by magic. McGonagall’s expression was unreadable. 

“Professor, it was an accident, I promise- “

“I believe you McKinnon. I’m sure it was just an honest mistake. Now if it had been Black or Potter…” 

* * *

**siriusblack:** why even bother pranking people when @marleneeeee can do it by accident

That was the caption beneath the video of Peter’s magnificent yellow moustache. The video had already garnered thousands of views. Sirius scrolled down to see the comments. 

‘he looks better with the moustache tbh :p jk love you babe’

‘it be your own marauders’

‘Your teacher must hate you lol’

‘REMUS IS SO SASSY I LIVE FOR IT’

That comment got a like from Sirius. He was nothing if not a supportive boyfriend.

‘I literally died when remus said the straight thing’

‘” I’m sorry, I thought we were telling obvious and blatant lies” MY SIDES OMFG’

He scrolled down until he saw some familiar usernames. 

@marleneeeee: ‘It seems that ur not the prank king of Hogwarts anymore… step it up black :)’

He replied quickly. 

‘u said it urself it was an accident. me infinity u 0 bitch’

@marleneeeee: ‘That’s what u think :p’

@peterismarauding: ‘Don’t take the credit for my hard work Marls. I did it myself.’

@siriusblack: ‘u put a moustache on urself?’

@peterismarauding: ‘Like Marlene said, you aren’t the only one pranking around here. We’re onto you Sirius.’ 

@loonyloopylupin: ‘i’m gonna out-maurader you babe. jk but also not really.’

@evansabove: ‘I leave you guys alone for ten seconds…’

So, they thought he wasn’t the top prankster of Gryffindor anymore? He was going to prove them wrong. He solemnly swore. 

* * *

When Peter woke up the next morning, he found his bed surrounded by goblets. 

“Sirius, Lily, I swear to god…”

“Come on man, leave Lily out of this.”

James, who had been almost comatose before this moment, sprung up to defend his girlfriend. “Yeah, my Lils would never do the same prank twice.”

“Are you seriously gonna drink the water?” Sirius was sat cross-legged on a desk opposite the beds, filming. “Because if you were, you deserve to be pranked.”

James ignored him. “Yeah, but more water pranks? Poor, Padfoot, poor.”

Sirius, ever the drama queen, spread himself over the entire desk, head hanging over the edge. “Why must you attack me in this way?” 

“You’ve surrounded our beds with water and _we’re_ attacking you?” Remus drawled sarcastically. 

“It’s not even that hard to avoid, you can just step between them.” Peter swung off his bed and dropped to the floor.

“Yeah, you clumsy bastards just-“ The rest of James’ sentence was cut off by a loud clattering sound. 

Peter was laughing. “You were saying?”

Sirius looked at his screen.

‘Why is James me tho XD’

‘Remus just looking and judging’

‘Remus judges you when you die’

‘he could send me to hell and i would say thank u’

‘James: I can get across this!  
James: *knocks all the goblets over*  
James *insert surprise pikachu face*’

‘James chugs respect women juice’

Peter was on his tiptoes, hands still on the edge of his bed. “And you all made fun of me for doing ballet classes! Watch this- wait, what! “ Peter’s feet were held in place, tips of his shoes glued to the ground. “I can’t pick my feet up!” 

Sirius was laughing uproariously. “Jaws off the grounds lads- if you drop them, you won’t be able to pick them up again!”

James was in a similar position of stuck. He was flailing hopelessly, his sense of balance non-existent. 

“Guys, he’s just put sticking charms on our shoes, if we take them off, we’ll be fine”

Sirius looked disappointed. “What, and let the fun end so quickly?”

“Fun for you maybe-“ James slipped off his shoes. “-When I get to you, I’m gonna cut-AARGH!” And just like that, James’ feet were stuck to the floor. 

“I’m sorry, what were you gonna do? I couldn’t hear over the sound of your screaming.” 

“PADFOOT, YOU BASTARD!”

“Language Prongs. My Marauders are watching you!”

‘#maraudersunite’

‘I have never related more to anyone’

‘James’ confidence >>>’

‘love how peters just accepted that hes stuck’

‘Peter: this is my life now’

“Now guys, I love you, but if James gets to me, I’m dead so just solemnly swear that you’re up to no good and byeeee~”

@thefuturejamesevans: ‘Im gonna kill you padfoot’

* * *

A few minutes later, Sirius was sat in the common room, feeling thoroughly pleased with himself. He had played a good prank- flawlessly executed it, if he did say so himself, reached a new record for stream viewers, and most importantly, reminded everyone who the alpha marauder was. And now, the common room was his, save for a few seventh years who had got up early to study. He lounged out on the sofa in front of the fire, feeling thoroughly pleased with himself. He extracted his phone from the front pocket of his leather jacket and opened up Spellnet.

siriusblack: im the prank guy. wizardtube link in bio.  
A photo of James’ face graced the thumbnail as Sirius hit the post button. By the time he had scrolled through all of the comments on his livestream, the WizardTube video had already gained thousands of views. By the end of the day, it would be millions. Sirius lay back and let his phone rest on his toned stomach. He was going to have a nap. After staying up most of the night setting up his prank, he needed it.

* * *

**52 new messages from @loonyloopylupin, @thefuturejamesevans, and others**

The vibration of his phone woke Sirius up with a start. He immediately picked up his phone, the bright light of his screen making his eyes twitch involuntarily. He wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep for: although the clock at the top of his phone indicated it had been less than 10 minutes, his bleary vision and tousled hair made it feel like a lot longer. He looked at the message that had woken him from his stupor.

@loonyloopylupin: Look up

He wiped his eyes and sat up slightly. And then-

“Babe?”

A pair of brown eyes met his grey ones. Remus was suspended by his ankles directly above him, smiling serenely as though this was nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Babe, I-”

“Heads!” And just like that, Remus plummeted onto the sofa.  
“How…how did you get over the cups?”

“I flew over the cups. Should have thought of that loophole!” 

“Yeah, that makes it _so_ much clearer.” Still rubbing sleep out of his eyes, Sirius sat up, making room for his boyfriend on the couch- or more accurately, Remus forcing himself into the small available crevice Sirius had left. He smiled mischievously; Sirius found this endlessly endearing. 

“I used your own weapon against you.”

“You have no idea how little that narrows it down.”

“Excuse me, I helped you create half of that stuff, you’d be _nothing_ without me- oh God, I sound like you.”

“And the world is better for it. So tell me, which of my brilliant ideas let you fly over stuff? Was it the broom in your pocket right now, or are you just happy to see me- OW, that hurt!”

Remus lowered his hand, laughing. “Yeah, I learned to fly just now so I could ominously suspend myself over your head- it was Levicorpus.”

“You say that, but you would do that.”

“Yeah, I probably would,” Remus mused. “For someone I love so much, I really do have a tendency to spite you.”

Sirius nuzzled against his boyfriend’s neck, ready to resume his nap.

“One more thing- should we do anything about James and Peter?”

“Absolutely not.” 

“I love you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other Marauders attempt revenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had almost no time to update this- sorry for the long wait.

“And…Done!”

Peter stood back, taking in his handiwork. “Too much?”

“Not enough. Make it pink.” James tapped his wand at the offending item.

“I dunno mate, I can still see his mouth.” Peter pulled a strand experimentally. 

“Already looks like a pygmy puff shat on his face.”

Remus leaned over the pair, looking at Sirius. “Yeah, but hear me out: pygmy puff orgy. He’ll be tasting that shit in his mouth all day.” Remus tapped the hairs lightly, and they turned instantly into fur. 

“Is that *too* evil?”

Remus snorted. “You’re talking about the man who filled the dorm with 29 peacocks the day of the big match. Is anything really *too* evil?” 

Peter put on a theatrical voice. “For too long we have been subservient to Sirius’ pranks, cowering in fear about his next livestream, but today, we take action. We become the prankers, and he…the prankee.”

“Great speech Wormy, just one thing: we’ve defo pranked him before.”

“Many times.” 

Peter dramatically raised a hand to his face. “Oh REALLY? I had literally no idea!”

“Lay off the sarcasm Worms, that’s Moony’s gig. Anyway, our sleeping beauty might be coming round.” Sirius had been comatose for the last hour, his snores sending a stray strand of hair that had found its way onto his face flying up and down. He was hugging his chest, arms indicating where Remus had once been. There was a beam of sunlight from the window casting his face in a golden light. It would have been an image of serenity, were it not for the pink bush perched beneath his nose that was now slowly accumulating snot. But now, he was starting to twitch. There was only so much pink fluff one could put on someone’s face before they encountered some kind of reaction. 

“Mmmmhhh…uh.” Sirius had begun to twitch, his body showing stirrings of life. He rolled over and opened his eyes ever so slightly so as not to get dazzled by the ray of sunlight that was now like daggers on his pupils. He ran a finger across his cheek, extracting the stray black tendril that had found its way into his mouth. His fingers ghosted across his pink moustache, but he didn’t appear to notice. With a slight groan, he pulled himself up, squinting at the figures perched next to his resting place. 

“Rise and shine, Pads!” Remus trilled. Sirius looked disgruntled. 

“Did you guys fly out?” Sirius murmured, still not fully with it.

“Fly? Like, I had my broom on me?” 

“I heard a rumour that you-know-who can fly, maybe that’s what he means?”

“Cut the innocence crap. How did you guys get out?”

Remus laughed. “They didn’t fly. They had to get the girls to pick up the cups.”

“Nice touch making some of them blow up. Lils is gonna kill you, but it was a nice touch.”

A lazy smile spread over Sirius’ face. “James, what were you saying about you being the smart one?”

“Mate, look at yourself.”

“I know I’m beautiful, you don’t need to remind me.” Regardless, Sirius pulled out his pocket mirror. Although originally designed for talking to James in detention, Sirius more often than not used it to fix his already perfect hair, or stare lovingly at himself. (James had tried to make fun of him for this but Sirius had retorted that James obsessively rumpled up his hair, and he hadn’t been able to argue that one). 

“I…don’t see any difference.”

“Very funny mate.”

Sirius tilted up his head, then gave the mirror a self-satisfied smirk. “Still as handsome as ever!” 

James came around to look at himself in the mirror. He looked normal, the same brown eyes staring back at him. Sirius must be able to see the new addition to his face…surely? 

“Damn, we look stunning. Spellnet are gonna love this.” Sirius pulled out his phone and took a picture of the two, James looking dumbstruck. In a matter of seconds, Sirius had posted it.

**siriusblack: “just two lads hanging out”**

The comments began rolling in almost instantly.

‘THE MOSTACHE’

‘Didnt know you had a pygmy puff’

thefuturejamesevans: ‘Would still smash tho’

evansabove: ‘You mean yourself? Narcassist’

‘The hairs are up his nose- hope he doesn’t need to sneeze :p’

**siriusblack: edit: i have literally no idea what you guys are talking about**

“Yanno guys, you really didn’t have to wake me up, I’m going to go back to sleep.”

“We didn’t wake you up-“

“Don’t try to reason with him.” Remus rolled his eyes. “If you talk to him for more than 10 seconds you become one of him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not running low on ideas, but if anyone has anything in particular they want from this fic feel free to comment it.
> 
> Next up- the whole year join forces to prank their Defence professor.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole class is part of a mediocre prank- but is it as disappointing as they think?

siriusblack: idk how to annoy my friends anymore. like they know im doing shit so they can stop me

That was the caption underneath Sirius’ most recent Spellnet post. It was a faux candid studying shot, black hair artfully scraped back to reveal numerous piercings. All of the books that appeared to have been strewn around had been placed very intentionally, and five different quills had been dismissed in the process of choosing which one to press to his lips, giving the illusion of being deep in thought. The entire tableau looked effortless and almost plausible, had it not been for one glaring error: Sirius Black did not study. And his friends in the comments section were oh so happy to point that out. 

thefuturejamesevans: What are you studying? Hair care products?

Dxrcas_mxdowes: that’s my quill you bastard

Loonyloopylupin: And my sweater

Evansabove: the day you study is the day the giant squid flies

Such was the life of being such an amazing influencer, Sirius thought. If only I was as amazing at coming up with new pranks. Now that he thought about it, his pranks took on a similar form to his photoshoots. Although they appeared an effortless way to get countless arbitrary internet points, the amount of work and setup each one required made the whole thing seem pointless to the average person, one who did not understand the pizzazz and drama that made up Sirius’ being. It was a pity that said showmanship was not coming to him now, right as he was trying desperately to claw together an idea for tomorrow’s video. 

“Why can’t I just be great at everything?” He threw his head into his pillow. 

“Oh, so you’ve finally admitted you aren’t the greatest person alive?” Sirius leaped up from his bed with a start. Remus was standing just behind the curtain of his four-poster, a stack of books in hand. 

“We both know you weren’t going to tidy these up. If you were truly great at everything you would’ve already done it.” Sirius opened his mouth to fire back a snarky reply, but Remus ploughed on. “So, what was I saying…the prank? I have a great idea, but you would need to-“ Remus melodramatically gasped. “Get us to - god forbid - help you.”

“Thanks for the offer babe, but I’ll be fine. I always am.”

“Sure thing babe. When you change your mind, I’ll have fine-tuned the details.”

“Don’t bother.”

* * *

Half an hour later, Sirius and Remus were sat over a sheet of parchment. 

“…like, do we really have to tell _everyone_ about the prank. What if someone snitches?”

“That’s literally the whole point. It won’t work if we don’t.”

“Someone’s gonna snitch, like, Snivellus or something- “

“What are they gonna say, oh, Black did it? No shit Sherlock, they’re gonna know it was you the second it happens.”

“Yeah, but like, what about you? I don’t want good-boy prefect Lupin to get hurt.”

“Aww, you care about me? You’re right, let’s not do the prank.”

“Shut up, we’re doing it.”

“Knew you’d say that. Good thing too, because I’ve worked out how we’re not gonna get caught. Now, what should the word be…”

* * *

Everyone was sat in the Defence against the Dark Arts class. As usual, the teacher was late. At least half of the students were looking at their phones. James and Lily were in the middle of a very intense game of noughts and crosses, using the table as a grid. Sirius was staring idly at a chocolate chip cookie, seemingly with no intent of eating it. Peter was eyeing up said cookie, but one sharp look from Remus put a stop to it. After all, if anyone was going to steal it, it would be him. The man in question had been given a very important task to do. There was a volley of pinging sounds as Peter did his bidding and sent a message to all of them. 

peterpettigrew: I’ve decided. The word is Switchio. 

“Good morning everyone!”

An unfamiliar figure walked in through the door. It was every British child’s favourite toy: a supply teacher. Prank or no prank, no work was getting done today. 

“Well then, say it back!”

The class looked uncertainly at each other. They hadn’t planned for this!

“Switchio?” The class murmured uncertainly.

“Good morning miss!” Sirius spoke loudly over everyone else. 

“Well, at least I’ve got one good student.” The whole class had to try not to laugh at that statement. “So, who knows anything about shield spells?”

The class fell silent, all avoiding eye contact. The teacher’s eyes fell upon an unsuspecting Peter. “What about you? Do you know how to cast it?” Peter looked away.

“Switchio” Peter said, head bowed. Looking over at Sirius, Peter could see that this was not nearly as funny as he had anticipated. His anxiety was showing itself in the form of idly tapping his wand onto his cookie. 

“Not quite my dear. Anyone else? How about you?” She swivelled and looked at Dorcas.

“Switchio.”

“No sweetie, that’s not the answer. One more time: how do you perform a shield spell?” She turned to look at James. Remus put his wand on top of Sirius’, presumably to stop the tapping. 

“Switchio” James announced confidently.

“Dearie me. Well, it seems you guys don’t know the answers, so we’re going to have to start from scratch.” The whole class groaned.

“So, shield spells... “

The rest of the lesson passed without event. At one point, Peter glanced down at his phone. There was a message on the group chat.

**2 messages from @evansabove**

Great prank black. 

Not.

* * *

After the lesson, or, more accuracy, the monologue on content the class was more than familiar with, James and Peter were walking down to the great hall for dinner. The other two marauders had dismissed themselves for ‘bathroom time’, and while neither of them believed that this was true, they were both loathed to walk in on them again. They walked in silence for a bit before James voiced what the whole class was thinking. 

“I’ve gotta say, that prank was kinda disappointing.”

“I was waiting for someone else to say it but yeah. Not up to his usual standards at all.”

“Two person job as well. They worked on it all night.”

“Oh, is that what they were doing? I thought they were having sex.”

The pair sat down opposite Lily and Marlene. 

“D’ya reckon we need to save seats for the other two?”

Lily grinned. “Depends, do you think Sirius lasts longer than two minutes?”

Peter’s question was answered by the two boys in question sitting down either side of them. They both looked distinctly more dishevelled than before, causing the rest of the group to exchange meaningful looks. 

“So we got caught up doing…something…”

“I didn’t know you changed your names to something.” Lily said dryly. 

“Yeah, you’ll what see soon.” 

“I don’t think I want to.”

“You’ll have no choice.”

“Hahaha what the fuck?” Peter laughed nervously.

“So, changing the topic, your prank sucked.”

Sirius looked mock offended. “Well if you can do a better job of amazing prank after amazing prank every single day for millions of adoring fans, I’d love to see it…”

“Yeah, you know what else sucks?” Lily grinned slyly. Peter pretended not to have heard her. 

The group ate their way though the main course, and before long it was time for pudding. As though like magic, stacks upon stacks of chocolate chip cookies appeared in front of them. It was almost like they lived in a magic castle where all of your greatest fantasies could be true. Weird. Even better, the cookies were _delicious_. Peter lost count of the number he shovelled into his mouth. Almost everyone in the hall was eating them like they had just come out of hibernation. 

“Cmon mate, take one!” James said through a mouthful of cookie. 

“Remus, you normally love chocolate I swear!”

“I said I liked it ONCE!”

“Dorcas, it sucks to be you- allergic to chocolate, I think Merlin hates you!”

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and the cookies eventually ran out. 

“Damn, those cookies were good! Almost enough to make up for your terrible prank!” Peter said with a huge, fake smile on his face. He didn’t normally like making fun of Sirius, but James had agreed with him so he felt it was allowed. 

“Yeah, _terrible…_ ” Sirius was leaning back in his chair, smirking. He subtly pressed a button on his phone and left it camera up. 

“Uh, Padfoot, why are you smiling?”

Remus spoke up. “I give it three…two…one…”

Suddenly, Peter’s scalp was on fire. He reached up and his hair almost seemed to be…growing? He looked at James, but he was doubled over, screaming. All around the hall, people seemed to be changing. A group of Ravenclaws were shooting upwards, some Slytherins growing grey beards. Through the fringe that now covered his eyes, Peter squinted at his reflection in a nearby spoon. He was sporting a rather magnificent pink beard. He looked over at James, or where James had been standing a few seconds ago, because in his place was a man who looked suspiciously like Dumbledore. All around them, people were growing up and down, gaining and loosing hair, and overall shifting between forms. This must have taken planning and finesse only really associated with one group of people. And everyone knew it. 

“POTTER! BLACK! COME HERE NOW!”

A loud voice rang out over the commotion, amplified by a sonoras charm. Despite the size of the school, those were two names that everyone knew. There was an almost audable turning of heads to look at the boys in question. McGonagall was running down to whisk them to her office, and they both knew better than to resist.

* * *

“Completely irresponsible…out of your minds…how?”

“I didn’t do it.” Sirius crossed his arms defiantly. “What are you gonna do, send me to prison without a trial?”

“Do I look like I did it?” James seemed genuinely shocked, mostly because he was. He was still sporting a rather magnificent grey beard. 

“I want to investigate all possible perpetrators of the prank, and, to be quite frank, your track records would suggest that it’s you two.” 

“Yeah, you got us there. Except we didn’t do it.”

James looked over at him. “That’s what a guilty person would say.”

“-Is what someone trying to shift the blame would say- “

“Silence, the pair of you! We will be conducting a thorough investigation of all 6th and 7th year students, and everyone is under suspicion. We will be starting with you two.”

“Why couldn’t a younger year do it? Some of those fourth years are cheeky bastards.”

“It would require advanced transfiguration and an intimate knowledge of switching spells to execute this prank, something that only an advanced wizard would know, or perhaps… our top transfiguration students.”

“Oh damn Minnie!”

“You could just do a reverse spell to work out how it was done.” James suggested. 

“That is in the works as we speak, the results will be coming in shortly.”

“Let me know when I’m proven innocent.” 

“Padfoot, we all know you’re screwed- “

“I accept apologies in cash.”

Sirius looked down at his phone and realised he had failed to end the livestream. The comments were running a mile a minute, some confused about how this had happened, others saying their favourite transfiguration, all congratulating both Sirius and James on their genius. 

siriusblack: lol prongs had nothing to do with it  
siriusblack: anyway see you all in hell byeeeee

Sirius stowed his phone into his leather jacket just in time to see several teachers marching into the room, metaphorical pitchforks raised, literal witch-hunt in full swing. After some hurried discourse, the professors left the room just as quickly as they had come, leaving only the sound of a slammed door behind them.

“So, did you find out I’m innocent?” Sirius asked smugly.

McGonagall ignored him. “We found the source of the spell. It was likely a premade set of enchantments, attached to an item and activated by a Switchio spell. It was-” McGonagall was cut off by another professor hurrying in.

“How did it affect every person in the school?” asked James, genuinely curious. “What does every single person touch?”

“Dude, we all eat food. You know, at dinner, when it happened.”

James looked suspicious. “You seem to know a lot about it.” 

“Or I’m not an idiot.”

The other professor left and McGonagall turned her attention back to the boys in front of her. “Like I was saying, we assumed that it was attached to a piece of food and the food was then duplicated.”

“Doesn’t that go against the five laws of transfiguration, or, whatever?”

“So you do listen to me sometimes?”

James almost looked ashamed of himself. Sirius answered his question. “You can duplicate food; it would just have no nutritional value.”

“Excellent Black! I would normally give you some house points for that, but seeing as you’re here for executing a mass prank I’m loathed to do so. Anyway… they were put in a food that almost every student ate, hence why so many were affected. I know our students have an affinity for sweet treats, so we have assumed that it is the cookies.” 

“Like the one Sirius had in the supply lesson!” James exclaimed.

“Mate, I stole it from the kitchens because it looked good, not to turn everyone into Dumbledore or some shit.” McGonagall raised an eyebrow. “Uh, I mean my mum baked it…no, Moony did…never mind.” He backed down under McGonagall’s withering look. 

There was a knock on the door. Thinking it was another professor McGonagall idly beckoned them in but it was Remus who entered, phone in hand, prefect badge pinned prominently on his robes. 

“Miss, I have something that might interest you.” He was obviously right; McGonagall seemed very interested in the contents of his phone screen. With a sigh, she turned to them.

“It appears that you two may not be the culprits after all. You can leave: I have some tracing to do.”

The three left the office together. As soon as they were out of earshot, James turned to Sirius incredulously. 

“It wasn’t me. It must have been you.”

Remus fired back. “That’s what you said about the cups, but once I held Lily’s chocolate hostage, she told a very different story.”

“At least she didn’t betray me willingly?”

“I lied. She confessed instantly: I took the chocolate because I wanted it.”

“How did they make you a prefect?”

“The alternative was you two. Now, me and my beautiful boyfriend have got to go, because everyone else is going to get into a lot of trouble. Bye!” And before James could respond, Remus and Sirius disappeared into a concealed corridor. 

James stood there for a solid 30 seconds before he felt a vibration in his pocket. 

siriusblack: this is for the beard

Two hours later, James and Peter found themselves in McGonagall’s office. 

“Performing a Switchio in a lesson! What were you thinking!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The single-word prank is a real thing my class once did to a supply teacher- it was much funnier when we did it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang attempt to get one over on the scariest woman in town: Professor McGonagall.

“Do you feel bad about framing our best friends?”

“Not at all.”

That was the conversation Sirius and Remus were holding as they walked through a secret passageway, headed back to the common room. 

“Actually, I feel kinda bad. It’s kind of a dick move.”

“He gave me a beard!”

“Yeah, but he’s in detention now and you know how much he hates lines. I feel kinda bad.”

“Yeah, maybe we did go too far. At least we can talk with our mirrors”

“You know what we should do? To make it up to him?”

“I’m not confessing.”

“I was thinking we could prank McGonagall while he’s in her office.”

“Weren’t we just saying how we went too far?”

* * *

siriusblack: am i going to hell for fucking my best friend over

Sirius looked at the poll results. They were pretty evenly split; however, the majority said that James had it coming to him. That being said, well over fifty thousand thought that Sirius had gone too far, and having seen James come back from detention with his fingers sore and ink-covered, he was inclined to agree with them. The man in question was sleeping on the bed next to him, too tired to exchange any words before falling asleep. He seemed angry at Sirius, and it was understandable why. They would make up; they always did, but for now, Sirius was letting him shoot him glowering looks before he passed out onto his pillow. On this particular night, neither James nor Peter were back yet. Sirius had left some essence of murtlap next to their beds to help with the soothing. 

Remus had noticed the bowl. “Not a prank, is it?”

“Nope, it’s legit. I officially feel bad.”

“Who knew that our actions would have consequences?” Remus said sardonically.

Sirius rolled over to face him. “You know what I said earlier? About pranking McGonagall?”

“And do you know what I said countless times about valuing my life?”

“I mean we did just prank the entire school AND we got away with it, so, how hard could it be?”

“Not. Interested.”

“We’re in an empty dorm right now.” Sirius flipped his legs from underneath him, dangling them off the bed. “And they’re not gonna be back for a while, so we’ve got some time for me to… persuade you.” Sirius threw himself onto Remus’ bed, spread eagle.

“You definitely can’t change my mind, but I’m going to enjoy the attempt.”

* * *

James and Peter were in an animated discussion as they ascended the stairs.

“…So I was thinking, what if we turned all of McGonagall’s biscuits into cockroach clusters? Or her quills into acid lollipops? Or her- “

“For the last time, I’m not pranking McGonagall. Also, are you hungry? All of your suggestions have been food-related.”

“ ’Course I’m bloody hungry, I’ve skipped dinner every day. Only thing keeping me going is Moony’s secret chocolate stash.” 

“McGonagall is one thing but Moony’s chocolate? Do you have a death wish?”

“I’m duplicating everything before eating it. No nutritional value for Moony, but my need is greater than his, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?” 

“Yeah, but he might hurt you.”

They had reached the dormitory doors. 

“Knock twice to make sure they’re not shagging.” 

“I don’t need a reminder.”

They both winced as they remembered the occasion that had prompted the rule. When they didn’t receive a response, they looked at each other.

“We can’t stay out here all night.”

“I’ll close my eyes and go in. They’re probably asleep”

Peter opened the door. He was half right: Remus was indeed asleep. Sirius, on the other hand, was sat up in his bed…studying? He was holding a wand between his teeth, his knees propping up a heavy tome. Both his hands were occupied with franticly taking notes, ink spots scattered all over his bedsheets. 

“Padfoot, are you seriously studying?”

“Yeah, I’ve left some murtlap for you guys, go get some sleep.”

Peter happily dipped his hands in the bowl of soothing potion, but James remained suspicious, not to mention he was still pissed off at Sirius. “What are you writing? I don’t buy you studying- ah-hah!” James wrestled the parchment out of Sirius’ hands. “Ways to avenge… James’… honour?” 

“I’m going to prank McGonagall. Makes detention a little more fun, don’t you think?”

“Sirius Black, you are officially my best friend again- please tell me you didn’t shag in this bed.”

* * *

“Hey guys, we’re officially best friends again and pranking Minnie McGee, so comment your ideas!”

‘replace her perfume with gravy’

‘dude wtf’

‘it would be funny’

‘Do you guys value your life?’

Sirius laughed. “Nope. Next question!”

Evansabove: it’s your funeral boys

Peterpettigrew: Do you want lilies for your coffin or is that too cliche?

A few more minutes rolled by, and with it, thousands more suggestions. These ranged from simple- ‘make her desk purple’- to almost impossible, with the suggestion of turning her into a dragon being a particularly popular one. 

“Guys, if we could turn people into dragons do you seriously think we wouldn’t have already done it?”

“But what if all dragons are secretly people?”

“You have no way of knowing that I’m not a dragon.”

“Yeah I do, you don’t have scales.”

“You’re absolutely right, you have to look like a dragon constantly, it’s not like anyone we know turns into a terrifying monster once a month!”

‘OMG do they know a werewolf’

‘is james a werewolf’

‘nah if its anyone its remus’

‘yeah hes defo plotting murder’

Sirius was alarmed at this turn of events, but James stepped in. “Pads, that’s no way to talk about my girlfriend on her period!” 

Crisis averted.

* * *

siriusblack: thanks for the suggestions guys. time to die ig.

Sirius posted this alongside a photo of him and James standing over a suspicious-looking cauldron. A particularly learned potioneer would have recognised it as Polyjuice potion. Anyone with common sense would have been worried. 

“You realise this is insane and possibly illegal right?”

“When has that stopped us before?”

Remus was looking over with mild interest. “ _Possibly_ illegal?”

“S’not illegal to make a potion.”

“Identity theft is not a joke, Sirius,” said Peter with mock seriousness. 

“But it’s *not* illegal. You know what is illegal? Becoming an unregistered animagus.”

“We really should have better rules on potions. Like, love potions. Who let that shit be legal?”

“You don’t need a love potion when you’ve got my face.”

“Sure, but your personality is the perfect antidote.”

“You didn’t diss my face though. Moony thinks I’m cute!”

“I’m still not convinced I’m not under a love potion.” Remus rolled his eyes and returned to his studying. 

“You could just dress as McGonagall.” Peter, ever the mediator. 

“Who said we were turning into her? Also, where’s the flair in that. The style? The pizazz? I need admiration godammit!” All of these actions were accompanied by dramatic hand gestures.

“Dude, we know you’re gay.” James said with an affectionate smile. “But for real- why are we doing this?”

Sirius lowered his voice to a stage whisper. “So, we’re going to turn ourselves into members of staff and convince her to tell us some secrets.”

“Like the end of year exam answers. You guys are going to pass as always, what’s the point?” Peter sounded slightly upset by this, jealous of the effortless way the other two skated through their academic careers. 

“Ew, exams? No,” Sirius stood up as if to give a dramatic monologue. “I have a far loftier goal in mind. I don’t even know what I’m looking for, but we are going to find out the castle’s darkest secrets. Like if they’res a pile of gold stashed under Dumbledore’s office.”

“Is there?”

“I have no idea, but if there is, Minnie’s gonna be the one to know about it.”

“Why not Dumbledore?”

“He’s normally off killing God or something. Doubt he spends much time here.”

“Damn, so he wants to kill me personally?”

“Padfoot, if I wanted to kill myself, I would climb onto your ego and jump onto your IQ.”

* * *

About a month later, the potion, by some miracle, had not gone dramatically wrong and was somehow ready. Hairs had been obtained by some dubious measures. Most importantly, the entire process had been thoroughly documented on Sirius’ various social media channels, gaining him the expected attention and awe. They would be posing as the Divination and Astronomy teacher. They had been chosen because they were rarely seen down in the main castle, meaning they were unlikely to run into them. Also, Sirius’ aptitude at both subjects had enabled him to get close to the aforementioned teachers. He had once remarked that his prowess at Astronomy was the only thing about him that made his parents proud. At least, he assumed so. It wasn’t like he talked to them much anyway. 

“Bottoms up Padfoot, or should I say, _Professor Bombo?_ ”

They drank their potions in one gulp, both looking disgusted. After a few horrific seconds, two professors were sat opposite each other. 

“Gotta say, I don’t remember old Bompy having a nose ring.”

“Or Professor Saltato wearing school robes. I guess it’s time for a makeover.”

A few minutes of adjusting their appearance later, two bona fide professors were sidling out of Gryffindor common room under the Invisibility cloak. They would remove it once they were out of sight of the corridor. 

“You know, I would have just taken out my piercings rather than doing- whatever the hell you did.”

“Wasn’t it you going on about pizazz?”

They hurried along the corridors, headed towards McGonagall’s office. Over the years, they had spent more than enough detentions there to know the route very well. They got there quickly, and not wanting to waste any time they walked in without being prompted. Sat at the table was McGonagall. She was holding a cup of tea and looked austere. For the first time since the prank’s conception, they were having doubts about their plan, which was vague at best. 

“Good afternoon- Minerva.” Using her first name felt very unnatural.

“Shouldn’t you be teaching right now?”

“It’s too cloudy for the stars.”

“Yeah, and for my inner eye.”

McGonagall looked suspicious, but let it slide. “Anyway, I have a note for Professor Saltato. A visiting professor has called, and she wants to hear more on your work with man-made satellites. I told her you would be with her shortly. Be warned, she is notoriously tardy so she might take a while to get there- chop chop!” McGonagall handed James the note and looked at him, expecting him to leave. James, who had dropped divination as soon as he could, looked panicked for the briefest of seconds before Sirius shot him a meaningful look. 

“I must say, Professor Bombo, you’re acting very strange today.”

“Mercury in retrograde, it affects us all- mood swings, you know?” This was true- the Mercury in retrograde bit, not whatever it was meant to make people feel.

“Weren’t you saying the other day how astrology made a mockery of your subject?” McGonagall pursed her lips and bought her teacup up to her lips. “I would have thought that this Mercury business was beneath you.” 

Sirius thought fast. “I want something to blame my problems on.” He was doomed.

To his surprise, McGonagall looked interested. “To tell you the truth, I do the same.”

“How so?”

“We tell the students that the issue with the girl’s toilets on the second floor is that they’res a ghost in there, but really they’res a colony of monsters living in the piping.”

“What- kind of monsters?”

“Oh, the usual. We let them live there because they keep the pipes clean.” 

“That’s very interesting. Is there anything else like that that I should be wary of? So that I can avoid it at all costs of course.” Sirius gave an obviously forced laugh, concerned that his voice couldn’t match the absurdly high pitch of Professor Bombo’s. 

“I shouldn’t be telling you this but you’re a good friend, so here goes.” This was a surprise to Sirius: he had always got the impression that McGonagall had little respect for Bombo (and divination as a whole). 

“The stones in the eyes of Dumbledore’s office entrance are Portkeys, but nobody knows where to.”

“Would it be possible to find out?”

“No, unless you want to defeat the three-headed dog he keeps in the basement. His name is Fluffy.”

“You’ll forgive me,” The phrase sounded suitably scholarly as Sirius started “But this seems absurd! How does Dumbledore keep all of this concealed?”

“Because if you ever tell anyone about this, Dumbledore’s personal army will find you and kill you instantly.” 

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, of course. The reason there are so many rooms in Hogwarts is so he can train his private army!”

“Is that even legal?”

“No, but everyone in the wizarding world is scared of him so they let him do what he wants. Also, he’s the head of the Wizengamot- who will persecute you when you are the head of persecution?”

“That is very true.” Sirius held the cup of tea placed in front of him with two fingers and his pinky sticking out, etiquette drilled into him by his parents that was coming in very useful for posing as a professor. 

McGonagall changed the subject. “Do you have any 6th year classes?”

“Yes, I do.” Sirius thanked his lucky stars that it was his year group that was being asked about. 

“Tell me- what do you think of Black and Potter?”

“Of who?”

“Black and Potter- don’t be ridiculous, everyone knows them.” 

“Is Black the one with the long dark hair?”

“You teach him, you should know!”

“Yes, I have him. He’s very smart, but he should apply himself more.”

“I would say that that is a fair and succinct analysis. True for Potter as well.” 

“Yes, Potter dropped my subject in 5th year. I recall that one time he thought he saw the grim in a dish, but really it was an otter.” Even as a professor, Sirius couldn’t resist getting a dig on his best friend.

“To tell you the truth, they’re my favourite students.”

“Why? They’re rude and disruptive!”

“Not in my classes.” There was a note of pride in her voice. “They have a thirst for knowledge. They would never pick up a book to do homework, but the moment they want to do something entirely unproductive they would go to the library and research 15 ways to do it. Whenever someone’s having a bad day, they go out of their way to cheer them up. They might be disruptive and not know where to draw the lines with a joke, but I’m going to miss them when they’re gone.” She sighed wistfully. “Don’t tell them I said that.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“It’s just a pity that Black documents every aspect of his life to millions of people, in a very popular and accessible format.” McGonagall gestured vaguely over to the computer on the desk opposite. “He does make me laugh. Plan a prank for weeks, then tell the world you’re doing it so that the secret is ruined.”

McGonagall finished her cup of tea and put the cup down with a flourish. She squinted Sirius, who was now sweating. 

“I must say, I don’t remember you having a nose piercing…” She sunk back into her chair. “Must have been a trick of the light. Anyway, I must get going. I have to teach those two next period. On an unrelated note, I think will question Lupin and Black some more about his involvement in the cookie incident. I suspect that they know more than they are letting on. Good day professor!” And with that, she swept out of the room. 

Sirius withdrew the mirror from his pocket, tapping it twice. James’- or should he say Professor Saltato’s- face appeared instantly. He began to speak.

“Mate, I think she’s onto us-“

“D’ya reckon she’s serious about the eye portkey thing?”

* * *

“Have any of you seen Black and Potter?”

“I haven’t heard any loud explosions recently, so I’m not sure.” The desks either side of Remus were glaringly empty. 

“Class, I have it on good authority that Black has recently acquired a large amount of fraudulent information about the castle. Please do not attempt to touch the eyes of the headmaster’s office, or attempt to domesticate the creatures that allegedly live in the plumbing. Please ignore him; he is delusional.”

Nobody felt the need to question that. 

“On an unrelated note, stealing the identity of anyone without their expressed consent is a serious crime punishable by several years in prison, as is forcing someone to perform your bidding under a love potion, or making someone undergo a transformation without their consent.” 

Suddenly, two figures sprinted into the classroom, looking like they had just changed clothes very quickly. 

“Ah, Black and Potter, the men of the minute! Or should I say, the men of the ten minutes late.” The class sniggered. “So, you may have missed my little lecture, but I’m sure Lupin will be sure to enlighten you. Now, onto human transformations for aiding performance-“

The class set to making notes. In the interim, Sirius leaned over to Remus. 

“What did she say?”

“That she’s smarter than you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brownie points for spotting the The Office reference at the start of this chapter.  
> And that is the end of this story! The only true winner is McGonagall, Sirius’ viewers, and you, the reader.

**Author's Note:**

> Next up- the whole dorm are in for it!
> 
> If you have any requests or criticism feel free to comment below x
> 
> I highly recommend Salted Caramel Cookies; my preferred recipe is this one! 
> 
> https://tutti-dolci.com/salted-brownie-cookies/


End file.
